Overcoming the Fear of Being Been
I'm returning to The Safe House with a lot to say
For the last few weeks I’ve shared the background on how I got to this point. I’m primarily talking about these ‘Letters From The Safe House’ and the reality of sharing my story with others. It wasn’t easy for me to get here but I’m so grateful for the release that sharing a sliver of my life with you here in this newsletter has given me.
One evening, while visiting NYC recently, I went to the water for a moment of reflection and quiet grounding. The city can be overstimulating, at least it had become so for me, triggering my move. As I sat along the Staten Island shoreline, I was treated to a beautiful scene of the moon rising during the partial lunar eclipse on 10/28.
It felt like I had my own personal spotlight; confirmation that I’m showing up as I need to in the world even when I want to shy away. I’m no longer holding my breath. My throat chakra is unblocked. My feet are still planted firmly and, most importantly, safely on land. A new type of blessing, indeed.
Erykah Badu’s intro to “Call Tyrone” always rings in my head when I think about the act of creating:
“Now keep in mind that I'm an artist / And I'm sensitive about my s*** / But y'all been nice about it."
Though I’ve always been a creative/expressive person, I long hesitated to call myself an artist. I used to believe that artists are people who share the work they create and are able to claim it as their livelihood; those are real artists. And if that’s my definition of a “real artist,” then whatever I’m creating must be doodles on a notepad. I would diminish my craft before I could even start.
Uncovering the truth about the fear of being seen
Since moving to The Safe House earlier this year, I’ve done deep work to get over my fear of being perceived. Honestly, it’s been an even longer journey, perhaps a decade of combating that miserable critic in my head that sits in a corner of my mind's archives turning its nose up at everything. Limiting my possibilities before they get too large for the container I kept myself in.
I’ve been musing on this post from one of my favorite creators, Iya Ehime. In it, she talks about the underlying issue beneath the fear of being seen that many people have. It’s a fear that’s particularly acute in this digital world - where exposure is everything- and it’s surprisingly hard for those of us that are more sensitive to that.
“Being seen is giving ourselves the opportunity to show up for our talents, interests, quirks and our own humanity. It’s not constant, unsafe exposure, it’s an opportunity to be authentic.” - Ehime Ora
Coming from NYC, being seen is often the point of living in the big city; from how we dress to leave the house to the places we frequent, it’s all for the expectation of being seen. Sure, there’s a lot in that big city lifestyle that is for ourselves but largely, the idea is that someone else will notice us. That was the thrill of living in the big city; being seen and the potential of new opportunities discovering you be it for career or, if you’re lucky, love.
It’s funny to have lived that way and still, somehow, I hold a fear of being seen particularly in regards to sharing my craft. Ehime Ora suggests that it’s often the perceived lack of safety that comes with being seen that many of us fear the most. This felt true for me, a recovering perfectionist, who was always more concerned about how people would view/receive my work rather than focusing on how it made me feel.
I remember how afraid I was to start posting about my gardening on social media. A few of my friends had told me that I should post more and share my journey with people, because "you never know who it might resonate with!” I hesitated to post photos and videos on Instagram, Facebook or TikTok and when I did I had so many constraints: don’t show too much face, make sure your space looks nicely curated, avoid giving advice since you’re not an expert etc. etc. My fear came in the form of irrational ‘what ifs’; what if I’m doing things wrong and get dragged for it in the comments? What if no one likes it because the photos you take are bad? What if THEY see it?
It’s taken months of debunking the ‘what ifs’ to finally decide to get over myself. Yes, WHAT IF they see it? And so what? Are you afraid of the possibility of “them” liking it too much?? I didn’t think so.
Releasing the notion that I have to create for others and embracing the truth that I create for myself was the biggest change I learned to make in my inner artist dialogue.
From Fear to Freedom: The Power of Art
The afternoon before I watched the moon rise, I visited the Brooklyn Museum to see Spike Lee’s exhibit (a must see if you’re in the city between now and February!) and spent the rest of afternoon reveling in the inspiration of seeing so much historic Black art he’s collected over time! It was motivational - my favorite part has to be the display of his drafted scripts of his early feature films.
Imagine handwriting ‘Do The Right Thing’ on loose leaf; a film that remains a major cultural work, has a place in the library of congress, and whose lines many of us can recite word for word. When your craft is mission-driven, you have a duty and an obligation to share it with others. For Spike Lee, the mission was releasing feature films as a Black filmmaker during a time where that representation was minimal.
"I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood… When we speak out, we begin to take back our power and to claim our rightful place in the world."
- Audre Lorde, "The Transformation of Silence into Language and Action."
Acknowledging Letters From the Safe House as a form of art is a big truth I’ve embraced recently. In fact, I first said it out loud to my sis Jade, a published writer and artiste, after our museum visit. Jade and I commiserated over how we both go through similar thought processes when it comes to writing and creating:
First, there’s the excitement of having an idea that feels good enough to bring to life. Then, there’s the trepidation that creeps in when you stare at the bare page; looking at the outline and notes on your idea that suddenly feels too big for you. Sometimes you don’t get over that scariness and you abandon it all together, only to come back to it after some time with a whole new perspective that excites you all over again. After that, you’ve written the thing and you go to war with yourself on the idea of going public with your work. The critic in your mind is holding a bullhorn at this point, anxiously shouting all the reasons you should turn back. Jade shared that her critic was loudest about the idea of putting her name on her published work, and the ‘what if’ of THEM finding out that she writes romance novels. “But sis, you’re already a published author…,” I stated.
For years, I’ve watched Jade release her fear of being seen and perceived as a writer and learned to overcome my own in the process. It’s a joy to watch others conquering their inner critic, a preview of the freedom that’s on the other side of your fears. I can’t wait to plug her next book here once it’s published (in her real name, not the pseudonym!).
In the meantime, I’m dedicated to showing up here authentically as myself, even when it feels uncomfortable and incredibly vulnerable. Letters From the Safe House is not only a creative outlet for me but also a spiritual one. From the ritual I’ve set around when and where I write, to the feeling of calm I get when I hit “Schedule Email.” With every letter, I release the fear of perception, the fear of not being good enough, the fear of something not being perfect and the fear of saying the wrong thing. May this art always serve as liberation.
Art saves. The artists will save us all. And we are all artists in our own right.
Other notes on my life lately…
It was really tough being away from the garden. I had nightmares of what I thought my garden might look like when I got back. I’m happy to report that all is alive and well! I’m very grateful to my best friend, Kay, for looking out for my precious plants while I was gone.
Speaking of being seen… I was recently featured on a podcast from my alma mater. It was a nice surprise to see it drop this past week and I'm excited to share the news with you. Check it out here.
I talk about the power of friendships, leadership, what “making it big” means to me and of course, my new found love of gardening.
In the meantime, I’m preparing for Thanksgiving, looking forward to hosting my family at The Safe House 💙 more on this next week…
My Mexican Sunflowers are finally blooming! Photo courtesy of Kayani
Lovingly,
Jess
Love this. Our work really is not about us- it’s about other people. This is really hard to tap into. But once I surrender the ego - I feel so free.
This resonated with me for a similar but different sort of fear of being seen. Thanks for writing, and sharing, in bravery.